To better understand the meaning of my first juicy concept (attachment styles chapter 2, p.47), it is important to be aware of the particular others conception. In fact, the particular others referred to the people who are significant or really important to us, such as the members of our family. In her book Interpersonal Communication, Everyday Encounters, Julia T. Wood claims: ''Parents and other individuals who matter to us communicate who we are and what we are worth through [...] and attachment styles'' (p.43). I think that consciously or not, we develop our self through the interactions and communication we have with the important people of our life.
Knowing that, it is now easier to rely this conception to the attachment styles, which are ''patterns of caregiving that teach us who we and others are, and how to approach relationships'' (p.47). This is learn at a very early stage of our development. Since a child's first interactions - very first human bond - are usually with his parents, he will shape how he feels and expects future relationships depending on his past experiences and learnings. For parents, it is essentiel not to neglected communication with their children, because it will reflect on how comfortable, confident and secure their children will feel around others.
Julia T. Wood presents four kinds of attachment styles: secure, fearful, dismissive and anxious/ambivalent attachment styles which are all based on the perception of self and the view of others.
1) Secure attachment style: People with a secure attachment style grown up with an attentive caregiver. This positive communication between the parent and the child formed a confident and affectionate person, with social abilities and a good self-esteem. They don't need to rely on others' thought or feelings to feel safe and secure.
2) Fearful attachment style: happens when the caregiver act in a negative or even an abusing way toward the child. The unsuccessful communication – or the lack of – leads children to think they are unloved. This way, ''they may avoid others or feel insecure in relationships'' (p.48).
3) Dimissive attachment style: in this style, the parent acts mostly like in the fearful attachment style. The difference is that the child is rejecting the caregivers’ opinion or view of themselves as unworthy people. Consequently, they usually have a good opinion of themselves but have difficulties to value or feel secure in developing relationships with others.
4) Anxious/ambivalent attachment style: This style is mixing up the elements of the other three approaches of the caregiver. In fact, anxious style is the result of inconsistent and unpredictable treatments of the parent. Positive and negative responses of the caregiver cause anxiety and fear of the child who’s trying to figure out the good from the bad. As Julia T. Wood is saying, parents are figure of authority and models to children, so they tend to assume that they are the source of the problem. They usually think they are unlovable, just like the fearful attachment style.
When I think about it, I can connect some of my own friends with each of the attachment styles. I think my good friend Chloe is one of those person who grew up with attentive and loving parents. She’s self-confident and really comfortable with meeting new people and makes new friends. It seems so easy and natural for her to go toward people and lead her own relationships with others. She probably lies on secure attachment style. By observing Marie-Pierre, I can tell she’s falling into fearful attachment style. She often says negative comments about herself that make me think she has very low self-esteem and views herself as someone who’s not attractive or no good. She’s always questioning herself about the true feelings of her boyfriend toward her, etc. I can’t tell if anyone has a dismissive attachment style, it’s harder to tell for sure… But I can rely myself to the anxious/ambivalent attachment style. The thing is I don’t really remember how communication with my parents in my youth was, but the way this attachment style is described makes me think I am just like that. I am a very anxious person and I do not give confidence in others quite easily because I’m afraid hurt my feelings. I am continually questioning myself about details and feel insecure about a lot of my relationships. I always rely on the same people who I know are trustable and who love me. I’m working on it…
In an exaggerate way, we can relate the anxious/ambivalent attachment style to the movie Runaway Bride (see trailer below), or most specially Julia Robert’s character, Maggie. In the story, Maggie is renowned for ''escaping from her marriages''. As she is able to maintain (short) relationships with men, every time she walks down the aisle, she just can’t make it: she turned around and runaway. This highlights her ambivalent behavior: one second she’s about to get married and the other, she gets afraid, changes her mind deny wanting closeness (p.48).
Knowing that, it is now easier to rely this conception to the attachment styles, which are ''patterns of caregiving that teach us who we and others are, and how to approach relationships'' (p.47). This is learn at a very early stage of our development. Since a child's first interactions - very first human bond - are usually with his parents, he will shape how he feels and expects future relationships depending on his past experiences and learnings. For parents, it is essentiel not to neglected communication with their children, because it will reflect on how comfortable, confident and secure their children will feel around others.
Julia T. Wood presents four kinds of attachment styles: secure, fearful, dismissive and anxious/ambivalent attachment styles which are all based on the perception of self and the view of others.
1) Secure attachment style: People with a secure attachment style grown up with an attentive caregiver. This positive communication between the parent and the child formed a confident and affectionate person, with social abilities and a good self-esteem. They don't need to rely on others' thought or feelings to feel safe and secure.
2) Fearful attachment style: happens when the caregiver act in a negative or even an abusing way toward the child. The unsuccessful communication – or the lack of – leads children to think they are unloved. This way, ''they may avoid others or feel insecure in relationships'' (p.48).
3) Dimissive attachment style: in this style, the parent acts mostly like in the fearful attachment style. The difference is that the child is rejecting the caregivers’ opinion or view of themselves as unworthy people. Consequently, they usually have a good opinion of themselves but have difficulties to value or feel secure in developing relationships with others.
4) Anxious/ambivalent attachment style: This style is mixing up the elements of the other three approaches of the caregiver. In fact, anxious style is the result of inconsistent and unpredictable treatments of the parent. Positive and negative responses of the caregiver cause anxiety and fear of the child who’s trying to figure out the good from the bad. As Julia T. Wood is saying, parents are figure of authority and models to children, so they tend to assume that they are the source of the problem. They usually think they are unlovable, just like the fearful attachment style.
When I think about it, I can connect some of my own friends with each of the attachment styles. I think my good friend Chloe is one of those person who grew up with attentive and loving parents. She’s self-confident and really comfortable with meeting new people and makes new friends. It seems so easy and natural for her to go toward people and lead her own relationships with others. She probably lies on secure attachment style. By observing Marie-Pierre, I can tell she’s falling into fearful attachment style. She often says negative comments about herself that make me think she has very low self-esteem and views herself as someone who’s not attractive or no good. She’s always questioning herself about the true feelings of her boyfriend toward her, etc. I can’t tell if anyone has a dismissive attachment style, it’s harder to tell for sure… But I can rely myself to the anxious/ambivalent attachment style. The thing is I don’t really remember how communication with my parents in my youth was, but the way this attachment style is described makes me think I am just like that. I am a very anxious person and I do not give confidence in others quite easily because I’m afraid hurt my feelings. I am continually questioning myself about details and feel insecure about a lot of my relationships. I always rely on the same people who I know are trustable and who love me. I’m working on it…
In an exaggerate way, we can relate the anxious/ambivalent attachment style to the movie Runaway Bride (see trailer below), or most specially Julia Robert’s character, Maggie. In the story, Maggie is renowned for ''escaping from her marriages''. As she is able to maintain (short) relationships with men, every time she walks down the aisle, she just can’t make it: she turned around and runaway. This highlights her ambivalent behavior: one second she’s about to get married and the other, she gets afraid, changes her mind deny wanting closeness (p.48).
First, good movie choice! Of course, it's an exaggeration of the anxious/ambivalent attachment style but we can easily understand what the concept means: people with that attachment style are inconsistent ones because of anxiety about relationships.
RépondreSupprimerWhen I first looked at the four attachment styles, I though that I could fall myself into the secure one because during my childhood, my parents always responds in a consistently attentive and loving way to me. However, I realize that the description given by the author is not totally related to my personality. In fact, I'm not really comfortable with myself when I'm not involved in close relationships. I always need one or two friends that I know I can always rely on and trust. For example, having a ``best friend`` was very important for me in elementary and in high school. Also, I tend to be preoccupied with relationships and to hesitate before knowing if I can trust someone or not. For those reason, I think I can categorize myself in the anxious/ambivalent attachment style. That being said, I know that, as I grow, I learn how to gain more confidence in my relationships. I had notice several changes in my personality since high school. I truly think that we can modify our attachment style as we grow up.
I think I would also categorize you in the anxious/ambivalent attachment style. Knowing you since a couple of years, I can affirm that this is all true! We kind of connect on that point ;)
RépondreSupprimerI don't know if we can really modify this attachment style behavior over time... since it is based on our early interactions with our caregivers. But I believe that being aware of it is surely the first step to improve our relationships with others.
Certainly. As I read in the book, we can also modify our attachment style by forming relationships in which we could have secure connections. I think a good example of this is having a romantic partner. As you know, me and my boyfriend are together since 4 years and he really helps me to be more confident and affectionate. A very close friend can also help in that way.
RépondreSupprimerI understand your point of view. Very important people of our life can surely help us to change our behavior. But I am wondering if you really change by yourself or if this new attachment style depends on your relationships with those people to be stable. Even thought I don't wish that to happen, if someday your boyfriend leaves you, I am not sure if you won't struggle with your old patern of attachment style... Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. I'm just speaking my thought right now. For sure, it's a work-in-progress!
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